I put on a pair of jeans today that I’d accidentally put in the dryer. Man! I almost had to whip out the old wire hanger to pull up the zipper. Then I had to do a couple of squats to break them in a little. Nine hours later they are still close to suffocating me. It doesn’t help that I’ve had 4 bottled waters.

Anyway, I told a friend about my battle with the “button” (which luckily did not pop off) and she asked if I’d gained weight. I said, “No! I lost jean elasticity… or whatever dryers steal from anything that’s not polyester.” It never crossed my mind that I’d gained weight, and even if I’d put on 1 pound (which in someone of my size is actually noticeable), I wouldn’t have the look of horror in my eyes that she had.  It got me thinking about things I would never say to a guy and why…

1. Do I look fat? I would never ask that because I know I don’t. I also know that there is no good answer that a guy could give to that question, and I don’t believe in setting anybody up for failure, especially someone I care about.

2. Do you want to watch The Real Housewives of (insert city): I would never ask that because I’m pretty sure the kind of guy I’m looking for would NEVER watch a “Housewives” reality show… and if he did, it would be one of those guilty pleasures that I would not call him out on, but instead would act as if I didn’t realize he was watching. Seriously, I’m sure it just happened to be on Bravo when he walked into the room, and he couldn’t find the remote, so he left it on as he perused his Outdoorsman catalogue.

3. Fold your own laundry! I would never say that because I LOVE folding men’s laundry, especially when it’s still warm… need I say more? Didn’t think so.

4. Well, THAT didn’t last long. Umm excuse me… I’m talking about his interest in his latest hobby, because I believe that until you find what you’re passionate about, you keep trying new things. But let’s say I wasn’t. Let’s say I meant what YOU thought I meant. I would not say that, because I’d rather choose to be flattered, and think that it was because I’m so smashing AND I am a kind person, so I just wouldn’t say something emasculating like that.

5. Can you PLEASE turn off the football game so we can spend quality time together. Never would I say that.. AND I would expect the same in return. DO NOT DISTURB while I’m watching football… unless the Giants are being killed by the Eagles in which case PLEASE make out with me!!! Seriously, I LOVE football. I love it in the house, I love it a bar. I love it at the stadium, I love it in a car (on the radio). This will never be an issue for the sports fans out there.

6. It is thinning, have you considered Rogaine? I’m just going to say this, and it will certainly be a deal breaker for many of the guys out there, but the closest thing I’ve had to plastic surgery was getting a mole removed. My guy will get what God gave me… luckily, God was pretty generous.. my point being, I would never suggest a guy take drugs to alter his appearance. I would probably freak out if he wanted a surgical procedure that required him to be under anesthesia for vanity reasons. But like in any partnership, you discuss, and ultimately, it’s his choice. Note: I happen to think shaved heads are very sexy!!!

7. I’ll just have a salad. Yeah.. not one of those girls who doesn’t eat. I have an ex whose favorite story to tell about me, was when he took me to a diner and I ordered a burger and fries, ate it all, and was still hungry. He said (jokingly), “So get another burger.” So I did.. and finished that too and ALL the fries. I know, impressive. That said, in recent years, I’ve been forced to eliminate gluten, sugar, and caffeine from my diet, which can get challenging at some restaurants. It hasn’t affected me at home because I can buy gluten free bread & pasta… and I stopped crying about not having cupcakes about 3 years ago. Oh, and while I’m in sharing mode, I don’t drink alcohol either, except for the very occasional glass of champagne which I love!  Note: about half a glass can put me on the floor, so keep an eye on me if we’re in public!

8. Buy me something expensive. Madonna may be a material girl, but I am not. Yes, I like nice things, but I don’t care how much they cost. In fact, you can ask the guy who sat at the bar next to me last Saturday night what the fastest way to end a conversation with me is,  and he will tell you, “Tell her you have a place on the beach… then when she moves away from you, move closer and invite her to go out with you and your friends on an 82 foot boat…” Again, not that I have a problem with a beach house or a big boat, just that he  felt his best way of luring me in was impressing me with “things” as opposed to being an impressive person. I don’t care what kind of vehicle a guy drives as long as it’s safe. I don’t care if a guy buys me things, I prefer that he tickle my back every day. I think you get the point.

9. No, you can’t go to Vegas with your friends. I would never say that. It is important to me that my guy has guy friends to do guy things with. I have girl friends and I like to spend time with them.  So, while he’s in Vegas (or hunting, or golfing, or in a drum circle in New Mexico), I will be on a spa get away. And yes, I am secure enough with myself and trusting enough in any man I love, to embrace his desire for a Vegas trip. Note: Guys with gambling addictions need not apply. 2nd Note: If I ever did say this to a guy, he should know that our relationship is nearing the end because trust is probably the  thing I value most in a relationship and would be the only reason I’d have a problem with it.

10. You should read 50 Shades of Grey. Oh good Lord what this book has done to my married friends.. and a few single ones too. I would NEVER ask a guy to read this book, for too many opinionated reasons to mention here… unless of course you ask me in the comment section, but that could get more heated than talking politics! I don’t think much of the fictional, Christian Grey, and I certainly wouldn’t want a guy like him.  I’ll pass on grey… I prefer color, not complication! I know, I know, that’s not the part that the gals want the guys to read, but none the less, if it gets to the point where literature is necessary, I will gladly write him an extremely personalized short story.

I imagine this was a pretty good entry for sorting men out. Those who are still reading and are still interested, can go to the Date Request page…